Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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