I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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