My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
