It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
