I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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