This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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