Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
