Betty ford says i'm here all night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
