If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
