My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
