woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
