I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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