An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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