Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
