Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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