The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
