I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
