When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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