I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
