gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
