Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
