does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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