he wants to bone in the snuggie
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
