dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
