umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
