watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
