watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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