make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
