i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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