explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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