I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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