I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
