I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
