speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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