I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
