I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
