yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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