Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
