I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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