id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
