i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
