my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
