You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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