My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
