How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
