like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
