my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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