I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
