I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
