I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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