There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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